Why do I repeatedly delegate the responsibility for my creativity onto the shoulders of others?
“If so-and-so would just text me back I’d finally be happy and productive. If they would just lavish me with attention.”
Do I ever stop to think that they have their own creativity to worry about and bring to life?
Of course not.
I guess the simple reality is that these spells of unrequited affection are a million times easier to indulge in than actually sitting down to try and create something new.
Thankfully, I am as of now unaffected by the obsession for “pure originality”. I write what I like and do my very best to impart my unique narrative voice onto the page.
I know that I am not reinventing the wheel.
I enjoy the niftiness of my prose and simple little rhyme schemes as they unfurl line by line.
Before you can re-imagine a medium you must understand how it works. What makes it tick. Its little quirks.
Where it likes to go for a cheeky milkshake now and again.
What second hand bookstore it frequents, trying in vain to catch the eye of the cute girl working there.
She’s always reading Vonnegut or Burroughs or some long dead Russian you've never heard of.
You aren’t particularly invested in trying to sleep with her or anything. You just take comfort in the fact that she buries her face behind a book in the same manner as you.
You feel less alone, less radically unique for a moment.
You bathe in the subconscious realization of the ubiquity of the human experience.
The mannerisms, the affectations, the dramas, the lies, the secrets, the loves, have all been told and retold and reenacted and recreated for thousands of years.
Our roles in the play may change but never the stage.
The game carries on beautifully.
The rules rewritten then burned then codified into law as certain collections of players impart upon themselves particularly overwrought importance.
We laugh, knowing the absolute absurdity of it all and continue playing our parts with renewed gusto.
That slight hesitation, the rise in awareness, often serving to cause us to double down on our non-realities, lest our mask slip off entirely and expose us truly to the world.
What would they see, through the tiny slits in their eyes?
Would they not be too intoxicated by the nectar of Maya to even notice when you stop playing?
You become just another hapless extra who won’t get out of their way so they can continue hamming it up.
Maybe that’s our fear. That we’ll become invisible.
In daily life you have the decency to pretend and go along with the show so people acknowledge your presence by virtue of your participation.
When you stop playing they no longer care.
So who shall see you?
Perhaps those who have discarded their masks and nipped off out the back to have a quiet cig will find you.
Your brothers in arms.
Your cousins in non-attachment.
They acknowledge the validity of your being.
They do not act from places of illusion towards you.
They do not seek your approval, nor do you seek theirs.
They teach you how to divorce yourself from processing information and stimuli through the filters of the ego.
When you sense the clarity and sincerity of their actions, your internal narrative breaks down and begins to atrophy.
The ego requires the unconscious motivations and thoughts of other egoistic actors to survive and sustain itself.
It is a weed.
A ravenous parasite that needs new hosts to satiate its constant and bottomless desires.
The ego derives its worth from competition and comparison.
When people stop showboating, lying, misrepresenting, and distorting their self-image to you, you will begin to see properly into their hearts.
You will discover the same beautiful, golden light pulsing in their souls as it does in yours.
You let the sludge and bullshit slip away from your being.
Why engage in trivial falsehoods when your peers are showing you the beauty of existence?
Your heart cries out to be allowed to shine its truest colors.
To emerge from its cocoon of insincerity as the incarnation of supreme consciousness that it has always been.
Well that it was until your ego piped up and began running the show around the time the self-consciousness and existential despair of puberty really began to kick off.
It is time to reclaim your true mind from the clutches of this usurper with the honeyed tongue.
Look within yourself and ask, who is the one that is being hurt by these rejections or lack of perceived appreciation?
Ask yourself if it is your soul being hurt or your ego.
Your ego is the one calling out for recognition, admiration, and constant attention. It is insecure by nature.
It believes it cannot exist without external stimuli and influence. For once it is correct.
Your soul is seeking only one thing. Love.
When you assign to the ego the task of unearthing love, it will lead you on a myriad of wild goose chases.
You'll pursue this person one week and that person the next.
Convinced happiness is only found in the arms of another.
When you don't attract the requisite levels of attention and affection the ego feels it has failed in its task.
This is what sets off the perpetually petty waves of self-indulgence, self-pity, self-loathing, and depression.
The ego doesn’t realize that love is ever-present in our souls and ever-present in our surroundings.
That cool breeze soothing you on a humid afternoon when enjoying a drink out on the balcony.
The sight of hummingbirds and butterflies and lizards and squirrels and blue jays and spiders.
That burst of sunshine to warm your face when you go outside on an overcast day.
The smiles of strangers deeply, madly, truly in love with their partner as they happily lose themselves in the pools of each other’s eyes over brunch.
That book you were meant to read at exactly the right time to spark change in your daily routine.
Your friends, thinking of you and reaching out because they miss hearing the way you view the world.
The perfect song coming up on shuffle right as you enter the final stretch of your commute home from work.
That sudden urge to appreciate yourself in the mirror.
The gratitude you feel for being alive at the end of a day.
Stop desperately throwing your net overboard to trap some marooned love that has drifted towards you.
Focus on appreciating your own vibration of love.
You will soon happily discard the beguiling ways of the ego.
When you realize all you seek is within you, you will come to a place of tremendous serenity.
We are hyperactive.
Convinced the only way to get more is to do more.
You are merely splashing about rather violently in the shallows, scaring off the gentle current of love.
Peace is what attracts love into your life.
When you radiate peace, you will find all the streams in the Universe happily flowing to you forever.