Who the hell wants to look at a celebrity & think neat! They’re just like me!
I hesitate to find out, but what would you like to see?
I dunno, man. Nothing too crazy.
Maybe something like them plowing nine girls simultaneously with their Medusa-like hydra dongs.
Ummmm, consensually, I would hope.
Calm down, Pill Cosby. That goes without saying. Also, don't be homophobic. They can slam guys, too.
Whatever floats their ridiculously ostentatious yachts as long as they're anchored firmly in Hedonism Harbor. Ripping little white lines longer than any Great Depression-era bread queues. Different islands for every day of the week. Hot-boxing Hot Pockets with clove cigs.
So...you want them to be some sort of island-hopping, cock twirling troglodytes fueled by obscene amounts of cocaine & a Patrick Bateman-esque insatiable lust for supermodels?
& debasing their bodies with Hot Pockets?
They're growing boysHot Pockets fuel the ideal male body.
They fuel diabeetus, alright. What about the female celebrities?
What about them?
Are you familiar with the concept of equality, you cig-gendered scum?
Do I have to wait longer than the Women's Suffrage Movement did for you to get to your point?
Why do male celebrities get adoring harems while female celebs are stuck with incels sending them dick pics & death threats in 70 different languages on Twitter?
It's cis-gendered by the way, you functional illiterate.
You really have zero flair for rebranding, don't you? We'll circle back to that later.
Please address the question, you sexist cochon.
Look, if she wants a stable of McHandsome's at her beck & call, that is her god-given right bestowed by virtue of clout. My point is that you must continually remind me that I am but worthless, proletariat offal.
What if they forget to remind you?
Then, the altars of celebrity worship shall quickly metastasize into shrines for Madame Guillotine.
"Vive la France!" rings hollow knowing it only took a few hundred years for a prize idiot like yourself to misappropriate the sacred tools of revolution.
Well then, if you will please excuse me. I need to continue reading BuzzFeed articles about George Clooney drunk-driving Vespas.
Allegedly drunk-driving.
Don’t we all have a friend who has defrauded the Greek mafia out of half a million drachmas by crashing their mopeds? If you haven't had to flee Athens in the dead of night, consider your life to be wholly unfulfilling.
Give me debauchery or give me death.
I demand excellence.
You demand sexcellence, yet you’re an adult virgin.
Listen, I'm telling you that if you're still a virgin at 30, you become a wizardI know this. You know this.
Everyone knows this.
Please cite your sources.
Merlin & pulling the sword out of the stone.
Gonna have to expand on that one.
It's the oldest metaphor in the book for a dry spell. It’d been so long it had literally calcified over until only the bravest knight could rescue it from the cobwebs of disuse.
Do...you want a burly knight to pull you off?
Easy there, DreamWorks. We’re not talking Shrek Gone Wild.
I hope nobody has ever talked about that.
I just think all Harry Potter had to do was not smash Ginny Granger in every other book, & Voldemort would have left him alone for at least a fat minute.
So abstinence-only works in a fantasy world is that right?
The Straight Edge Gang & I will be sending you a strongly worded letter about that comment don't you worry. But yes, Harry could have checked out the career fair. Maybe decided on attending law school to sue the Dursleys in civil court for emotional distress.
Dated a nice girl. No sex allowed, of course. Put his head down & worked hard. In bed every night by nine.
He would be l-i-v-i-n-g the dream.
Hard work being a thinly veiled euphemism for getting addicted to Adderall while surfing Reddit, right? Isn't nursing a severe chemical dependency to forget about your crippling student loan debt the real American Dream?
The real American Dream is not being interrupted by your mindless drivel for two frickin minutes.
Don't be so touchy. Continue your cutaway dialogue.
Like I said, he worked hard.
More like hardly working, amirite?
Interrupt me again, & I'll slit your throat-neck.
Made partner by 29, & then boom! Wizard on his 30th birthdayImmediately leave the missus for the secretary. Pop out a few magical bastards & then hit the road jack.
You’ve got a goddamn robe now, & it ain’t just Versace. It’s Voldemort-proof Versace. Do you know how much money you’d make reselling your magical thrift wear to hype-beast teens? Fuck Stussy. We rocking the Sauron collab in this bitch.
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop!
What's wrong?
You can’t go around combining the Lord of the Rings & Harry Potter universes! Never mix the streams.
Shut up, Neil deGrasse Triflin. Nerd rage is the most potent form of renewable energy.
Can we use it to solve the crisis in the Middle East? If so, I'll put your name in the hat for the Nobel Peace Prize. But I don't like your odds against Greta.
I don't like either of our odds against the inevitable heat death of the universe, so let's call that one a draw.
Can't wait for alt-right dorks to conflate that with tepid support of climate change being a lamestream media hoax. If it's so hot outside, then why do none of these sunbathing women want to fuck me?
Checkmate libs!
Science may never know. What would you do with your fictional Nobel Peace Prize?
Smoke out of it like it's Sacajawea's peace pipe, & the world owes me a Venti latte & a quilted apology.
Jesus. Absolutely way too fucking soon, you genocidal bigot. Who should I Skype to cancel you?
Is this a job for the ACLU?
Chill out, General Bluster. It's not like I gave her measles myself. Besides, Montezuma took his revenge.
Spring Break is indeed the Gettysburg of gonorrhea.
So in the long run, who really won the war for American continental supremacy? You ask for one little crumb of coochie & guess what? Your dick starts burning.
There’s no middle ground between chill & not chill. Just like heyyyyyyy by the way :) you fucked up. Your piss is now steaming hot. Hope that's not a bother.
"Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul (the later years)" is the wildly unpopular sequel we didn’t know we didn’t want. They brought back book burnings to ensure no poor child ever had to read your contribution to the zeitgeist.
I count that as a dub for getting folks back in touch with their ancestors. Call me Medium Mike cause I’m here to go queer eye for the straight guy on your spirit energy.
Do you hold any seances?
I do! Thanks for asking.
Anywhere accessible?
Sure, just a hop-skip-&-jump to my cozy little home in Mount Kilimantarot.
Are you proud of that one?
Should anyone be proud of climbing rocks?
We spent a billion years arm-wrestling Yetis, & people wanna topé suicida into devolution by spending a few hours gradually gaining some elevation in their Chacos.
I’m about to go Medieval Mike on your dumbass & have you crucified if you don’t shut the fuck up.
Et tu, Judas? Et tu?
You ever think about Judas’ thought process that day? Man...sure hope the boys don’t roast me too hard in the group chat after I flip real casually on Jesus. Nothing an anime GIF or three can’t clear up, am I right?
I wish an asteroid would strike you right now.
That's exactly what the Yetis would want.

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